I see death in your face.

04.9.013 Fantasy Lover

There is no prince. None of flesh, blood, or bone.
He lives in the home between my ears-- unreachable

I need a fantasy lover. Those ones are better.
The real ones are never birds of my feather;
I'd fare better with a fantasy lover--

a pretend one, who doesn't exist,
one in my head-- but with me so deluded,
it wouldn't matter.

I could rage and rock
and mutter on into the night,
ricocheting between madness and and sadness,
inane sanity and insanity (cleanly).

I need a good fantasy (clearly).

5.08.015

What to do about the desire for skin-on-skin contact, a need for the fresh gloss of an oxytocin dose?

When a certain kind of love-- absent the pregnant punctuation of kisses drawn out too long,

Passion confused with a yearning to feel human-- loses its quintessence:

How to untwine one from its other? How to ask of a lover that he love

Not in a way which makes sense-- rather, in the manner to which thine own self has become

(so selfishly) accustomed?

27.05.015

I keep my memories in strands of hair,

and when I need to forget I go to the shears;

when I want to start over, I force baldness.

Supplications into uneasy air:

memories taken on violent breeze,

momentary eddies, then dissemination:

Severed strands scatter (dismembered, forgotten)
becoming fire's fodder or the whippoorwill's wattle
in a home of hair and mud-as-daub.

I carry my tension in clenchéd teeth,
my worries in welts bitten into my cheek--
with the hum of the hive comes molars missing.

08.12.016

18.2.015 17th and Western (a mess of a work in progress)

Beneath the cracking concrete flats,
The Earth is (still) there.
In the low hum of winter:
Grass, upspringing (still) from ruptured capillaries, spidery little things
Tracing pathways and outlining
Something dead, and lifeless
Chalk-white, really
Bone-like, even
A monochromatic overpaving
Of wild and unruly life.
Wellspring whence we all came.
And to which we are wont to return
Denying, (still) denying
That we, too, are our-selves the natural world
(Still) unending and changing;
All overpavings illusory, milk-white
And just as useless
Harmful, even
Detrimental, it is said
To a system which has no use for the lactose therein.
Useless.
Yet
(still)
:
That promise.
We like to be lied to, we have a need
For concrete promises breaking, and yet
Don't understand;
Why.
Pave over the grass.
I (still) do not understand.

In the low hum of winter:
The Earth is still there

Beneath the salted concrete flats.

Bone-white, really.





Under the summer sun:
Radiant heat (useless)
Might burn through my feet
Soles a conductor, (longing to walk upon the bare earth)
Heat rising quickly through the bones in my leg, white-hot pain in my sacrum
(I fear I might vomit)
The heat rising from the spidered concrete flat
Burning the air from my lungs,
Cracking my throat
(Chalk-white, a promise)
Blistering the skin from my hands, my head
Capillaries rupturing in my nose
(Cool blood dribbling down)

29.3.015 RE: Michael Oaktree

And I sit here, asking myself--

What must it be like, to come from money?

Who might I be

if not for my struggles, my grief?

What might I have become if becoming wasn't do-or-die,

if everything I had was handed to me

or just as easily within my reach?

Where lies the line bifurcating pride

(for my work, my deeds, my livelihood hard-won)

and a cynical judgment 

of those who had no say in the matter

regarding the spoon with which they were fetally fed,

born-and-bred?

Why must I feel resentment?

I cannot fault a soul. 

I do not want what they have. 

They are humans, as I am. 

So why the disconnect?

07.4.015 Auxiliary; Insularity

Every deletion,

each small, cold-controlled

backwards push:

a minute death, 

a sinking further inwards.

I have done it again;

I could wear these partings

as accomplishments--

a frozen star, each

an adornment upon

a void of cold Hell, each

event a singularity, a lifeless jewel.

The ache hasn't come unburied yet. 

Always there-- slumbering or awake, self-aware--

I know it is about to start. 

I know where it will leave me--

I have known where I was going all along.