small deaths 9.12.010

he's not telling me something
(you're not telling me something)
his snowy smile kept my heart cold
(you don't smile at me anymore)
he called my name; ice filled my veins—and I was happy
(you are hurting inside)
I can't feel his touch anymore
(you are sick, you may be dying)
I should have known
(you're not telling me something)
I saw this coming
(but how am I to know?)

The wind is blowing, and the snow collects inside my chest;
(you're not telling me something)
filling my lungs; lips and eyelids frozen shut
(it is Winter here, and you're nowhere to be found)

you are sunning yourself
(he's not telling me something)
on a beach somewhere, with a better man
(he's not telling you something)
and a warmer heart.

(he thinks nothing of you)
I am nothing to you.

Leading Me On 17.11.010

Here:
so close
to the end of the year:
things
.
.
are fall
in
g
.
.
.
.
.
.
apart.

Dread Mirror Fear 13.11.010

I sometimes worry that—if I get too close, too physically close to a person—the images which I cannot remove from my head will burst forth. They and I will be exposed; naked; and visible to everyone.

That is what I fear most: the images even I cannot face. The images that haunt me in the endless witching hour that is Winter. Images which will not leave me, but which grow more vivid with each passing year.

The years are getting darker; the winters are getting longer. Like Filris, staring at a small soapstone statuette cradled (or was it clutched?) in her bony hands: so too will I come to realize that what I've been seeing for all these years is real, and that I am soon to be a part of reality no longer.

That will be the longest winter.

brainspit (a song)

make yourself desirable;
drink until you're pliable;
no more being reliable;
now leave me be-- to rot, to sleep.

Prozac makes me flexible;
prosaic, boring, laughable.
grab my hair, my hand, and pull
me down into your mindful deep.

string me along;
sing me your song;
cut your mind's bond to Solipsism.

cater to me;
fall down on me;
tell me these thoughts are wrong, wrong, wrong.

dive in headlong;
tell me I'm wrong;
head and heart rent apart by schism.

Lament XX.XX.010

Will I ever make it to the age of Old;
and will I stay myself long enough
to measure with a wizened eye
the distances I've traveled ---

Time has not been unkind;
it has worn me down with grace.
Its strokes are soft and feathered,
I a mountain to the winged gull in flight.

Time has not been unfriendly;
it has come to know me well—
friend as old as the Hours themselves—
and I, a second too far gone.

Will I remember who I am, before
the sun remembers itself in flame ---

Will I ever make it to the age of Old?

Encounter 13.10.010

You mould inside my mind.

Your cries are heard on high;
severed head held aloft;
immolation is nigh.

Your grip is fierce—your voice, soft—
and I: beheld by your blazing eyes.
Pins of fire, pins of lies—
your heady words liquer to be quaff'd.

You tell me lies, you come from the skies;
truth is broken and all hope dies.
You feed me lies, you descend from the skies—
to take our children, our love, our lives.

in a place where there is no darkness

From White, through
static;
rain;
to your Door.

I could have lived forever,
naked and steaming—
fiery being—
in the October night air
in which we met;
fortuitous conjunct—under what God's
eyes, I cannot
[darenot]
say.

I can still smell your soap
on my hands—
and I know it will never happen again,
but it's nice to pretend.
It's nice to pretend.

Naught but friends,
you say.
Though we shared in warmth, so shall I remain.

Forever will the bitterness return;
forever must I be visited
by the angels fallen—Smirnouph, Kannabis, Solétude;
Nephilim deux, et
Seraphin who
smell of stars and vacuous static
and the nothingness we have found
betwixt our selves overswollen.

[I can feel the angels behind my eyes—]

Your eyes belie; my ears whisper trickeries.

[—Seraphim are falling.]

I have fallen,
I am fallen,
I have fallen,
I am fallen—

and I remember only somber grey;
transference of heat;
small deaths, and sleep.

And I know we will
[never]
meet again someday.

que nunca expreses amor por nadie.
que el cerebro fucking splits en deux.
que nunca me hables otra vez;
que la cara se esfuma, se derrita--
porque i never quiero deshacerme again.

que you burn por eternidad in my cráneo.

i hope that i never cry again.

que nunca spit dans une colère noire;
que llores por las things que you did,

fucking bastard--
nunca queiro
see
tu semblante bello
otrafucking vez.

vayas de me.

Liar

Liar.

How goes the Hunt;
how flows the acid you spit daily from your White mouth?

How roils my vitriol through your weak constitution?
Had I the power to take off your head--
I would not.

I want you to rot from the core.

Olive skin, scalpel'd smile, sculpted hands
(and oh-- how they held me, how they spoke and caressed)
blackened; cracking; hammer-shattered and bleeding.

Spare me your syrupy demon venom,
spare me the denim (your silken sheets)--
leave me to mourn the death of your Soul--

Liar.

Can you feel panic in your synapse-fire;
my message racing its way up your spine,
to your brain,
to the place where a conscience should be?
O sentient being?

My breath rolls out from me.
Does it seek you, or some other thing;
to set the air to boiling,
or to meet with the breath of a machine
which runs
day and night:
factory of lies, sighs only half-promised

and dreams that may never have been?

I see the answer in your milky stare.

Liar.

throttle
my rattling brain to rubber
my caterwauling soul to ember.

limber
are my limbs akimbo
battling to breathe the gutt'ring light
that goes squalling, careening cacophonously
of your futile timbre;

slewnsevered is your member.

slender
are your hips,
narrow'd is your vision-- and your lips
((quiver)) quest for their home;

seek to rest upon the loam.
I: Euphrates.

draining
me art thou:
my Homunculus.

I am not ill; no
breeze sailing
through these shell casings, mine
protocell skeleton
hallways:

vacant, no-thing here.

throttle
adder riddled, ritalin addled,
my veins are brittle,

scalpel
me into Perfection.
rid me of this erection.

build me in Your eye;
build me into the Future.