30.01.016

The pills, I think, have mitigated its effects to some extent, but yet it persists. Trees and other plant- and wild-life go dormant in the winter, so I suppose it only makes sense that I would enter a period of dormancy or growth-regression as well. It's certainly not fun, but it's more natural than a post-industrial capitalist society would have us believe.

The act of using drugs is categorically a selfish one ("drugs," of course, including alcohol and over-the-counter pharmaceuticals such as ibuprofen, as well as therapeutic psychiatric medicines-- all medicines, really-- though many people ignorantly do not subscribe to this way of thinking). People get turned off and turned away because of the word "selfish," and attempt to justify their drug use (read "usage of drugs," which is not synonymous with "drug abuse"-- though, again, people tend to jump to that conclusion and become defensive): "Just because I want to have a few drinks doesn't make me a bad person," or "I only drink socially, I don't drink alone"; I'm picking more heavily on the use of alcohol here than on the use of ibuprofen or prescribed, psychiatric medicine, because I doubt there have been many occasions where one might accuse someone of selfish behavior if they were to take ibuprofen to alleviate a headache or an SSRI to alleviate symptoms of depression (though the latter seems far more likely given the current state of stigma towards mental illness/disability).

Part of the issue is that the word "selfish" is laden with negative connotation. In many instances, selfish behavior can cause harm for persons or entities outside of the self, but selfish behavior is first and foremost a means of self-preservation; there are times when selfish behavior is necessary and acceptable, as it is important to take care of the self. People tend to become defensive when their behaviors are identified as "selfish" because of this negative connotation, but if we can remove this extraneous negativity, we can call things for what they are: selfish behavior is behavior which is motivated by a perceived benefit to the self irrespective of and occluding the presence or existence of entities outside of the self. With this definition established, drug use-- even when responsible and in moderation-- is categorically selfish.  One does not take drugs for the benefit of others; one takes drugs for the benefit of oneself.  People take drugs with the belief that doing so will somehow improve their own personal experience of the world (whether or not the act of taking drugs will actually be of benefit to an individual in the long run is another matter entirely).

It is important to identify and accept-- without judgment-- drug use as selfish behavior.

08.12.015

Dame el placer de empezar;

Give me the pleasure of beginning.

01.1.016

In stillness comes fear, comes restlessness, comes anxiety. In stillness, also, comes clarity, comes power, comes peace.

04.1.016

Soap-pump staccato, an insistence:
Over here, look this way!
Pay attention to me, pay attention to me!
Tile-echoed sounds of desire and of loneliness
An un-met need for connection: skin-to-skin contact, the fresh gloss of an oxytocin dose, the quietude which comes in a sweeping rush after.

Dreams of Lovemaking and Seals

I've been having dreams of psychokinesis and silver seals strung on baling twine.

They put an alien in my brain. They made me think that I wasn't okay.