chapter 21 27.2.011

didn't i warn you?

there is a single instant in every relationship when one or both parties realize that said relationship will not work out. i think this is me pulling out-- again. part of the problem is that Hurt is too familiar of a friend; another large part is my subservience: having been taught to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself, i have and will continue to be the silent harborer of doubt, hatred, self-loathing, mania, skepticism, and masochism in every relationship into which i endeavor. i will continue to put my whole Self into these matters, and not remove my Self until pieces of it have been bitten away.

each piece retains a memory of its wholeness, and i become less whole with every broken connection, every remembrance of some former self. i cannot break the cycle; i made a promise to a higher power long, long ago. it is perhaps the only promise i have ever kept.

didn't i tell you that they all run away, eventually? run, boy. run.

not at home in this skin

ignore me, and i'll soon fade away--
just know that i miss you every day.

and i don't remember where you live,
but i remember all the things we did--

with fluttering eyes,
lips parting in sighs,
learning how to take and give.

your hand pulling away, and I'm devastated

hydrocodone