Sigh 21.10.022

If I’d had a key, I would have left, then
Locked the door behind me,
And left you sleeping silently
Soothéd breathing

Instead, I woke you up
Let you know I would be leaving
And I grabbed my shoes
Placed them upon me
Foot by foot
Laced them
Tied the cords tight

And I waltzed out your door,
Felt you lock it behind me
As I walked down the stairs
Three flights, or more

I took a picture of my reflection in the glass at the bottom

Like a ghost
Done up
In a full-body snowsuit in the middle of winter
Before I stepped out into the night
And embarked upon my 12-minute walk home

Rewind

I could have done this every night
I thought, to myself, “I have arrived”
You laid there on your stomach
And I massaged your neck, your back, your buttocks,
Your legs, hamstrings and calves and feet
And I soon realized your breathing had changed

I laid down beside you,
One, two,
Three in the morning

[Siiiiiiiigh]

I thought to myself, ‘I could do this for the rest of my life,’
Every night,
Massaging you from head to toe
As you slipped into another world

I would then lay down beside you
Listening to your breathing
Feeling
How my own breathing changed
Soon slipping into that same world
(Beside you)

Had I a key,
I would have slipped away into the night
Locking the door behind me
But instead
I roused you, with my hand on your shoulder

My voice whispering, I woke you up,
And I brought you back into this world with me
I told you I would be leaving

You followed me down the hallway
As I laced up my boots
Put on my full-body snowsuit
Said goodbye to you

I shut the door— which you locked—
Behind me
And I tread my way down the stairs
Three flights or more
I took a picture at the door made of glass— I looked like a ghost
Then I stepped out into the night

Twelve minutes’ walk home
I disrobed
Laid down in my bed
Slept, as always, not in the center,
But on the left

Making space for no one.